Out of Robert and I, I’m the last one to understand stability in marriage. I don’t know when he figured it out, because it seems like he has always understood how to accept me as I am. Not me. I am just beginning to catch on at accepting myself, my husband, my life.
Maybe his understanding is part of the quiet confidence that attracted me in the first place, because I’m starting to feel some of that confidence, too.
When I ask Robert why he loves me, he often replies, “Because you’re my wife.” Until recently, I got frustrated with that response. I would tell him that I wanted to hear that he found me beautiful, smart, kind, funny, etc. He would say that those things are true, but they are not the reason he loves me.
He loves me because I am his wife. That’s not romantic, but it is stable. His love for me is not subject to change, because my identity as his wife is not subject to change. It means that even when I am ugly, stupid, harsh, or dull, he still loves me. That is so much better than romance. It’s deep, and it’s secure.
When I am feeling unstable, I am forgetting that we are one flesh. No one asks you why you love your feet, your bones, your elbows. They are simply part of you. That’s how marriage is intended.
‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”
Mark 10: 7-9
I still occasionally ask him why he loves me, but not so often as I used to. I know that it’s an insignificant question that comes from a place of insecurity, and that place of insecurity is slowly shrinking, taking up less space on the map of my heart.
As I think about it, Robert has never asked me that question. I don’t think he ever needed to.
Robert is so patient with me as I learn to trust in the solid foundation of our marriage. His unwavering commitment teaches me about the way God loves us. God’s love is completely stable. It does not fade with time, and it is not dependent on things I do. I knew this academically, but Robert has taught me to know it from the depths of my being.
Today, I’m glad to be the last to know.